"Seefood Diet" (Self Esteem)

Dieting isn't my favorite thing
You can see from my wide, pudgy face;
And I've yo-yoed so much that I've broken my string;
Now my waistline's indeed a digrace.

I've tried all the popular diets today
And I've found them to be like a curse.
'Cause when I attempted to do it their way,
I would feel it much worse in my purse.

Weight-Watchers, stillman, and Scarsdale and more,
Dexatrim, Jenny Craig, Formu-three
By the time I reached Slimfast I really was poor
And my money was scarce as could be.

I tried eating grapefruit, low calorie foods;
I've drunk so much water, I'm sick;
And eating low-fats never, ever tastes good
So I reasoned that now I was licked.

Dieting often has entered my mind
When I've gorged on a thick, juicy steak.
But those thoughts disappear and are left far behind
When I've taken a few moments break.

My fingers have swelled from the salt in my meals
Not to mention the layer of fat.
My skin is so tight that I can't even feel
And my ring has been stretched to the max.

"Donelops Disease" has invaded my "Bod"
As my stomach's done lopped o'er my belt.
My dreams of becoming as thin as a rod
Have been lost in a big "Patty-Melt."

My hour glass figure has shifted a bit
And the sand has all gone to my thighs.
My favorite clothing no longer will fit,
And my zippers won't zip up my flies.